Before I had J, I had never heard of the so-called “Mommy Wars.” You know, the stupid, incessant, somewhat fabricated “war” between factions of mothers over the “correct” or “right” way to raise children today, mostly centering on staying at home versus being a “working mom.” I was raised by a working mom—who for a good portion of my upbringing was also a working single mom to three kids—who did a pretty darn good job as far as I can tell, so it never occurred to me that there was anything wrong with working outside the home. In the culture of my youth, most women worked out of necessity. As a matter of fact, I’m having a hard time recalling any of my close friends’ mothers being traditional stay-at-home moms. Everyone either went to daycare, or to their grandparents house after school (which is what we did), or was a latchkey kid once we were old enough. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, but that was reality.
It wasn’t until I was pregnant with J and actually started to contemplate working vs. staying at home that I was faced with other moms who were actually…offended at the idea of sending your child—especially an infant child—to daycare. I remember one particularly, um, intense conversation with a friend who basically told me that if I “wasn’t there” for J’s oh-so-important formative years, he would (a) be clingy and socially inept, (b) have learning disabilities, and (c) would likely be abused or neglected in some way at daycare unbeknownst to me and would end up a mass murderer. Those weren’t her exact words, but that was the gist. I’m serious. So for a couple of weeks, I considered quitting my job and staying home for awhile. Then we considered TH quitting his job and being a stay at home dad. And then we remembered that even if I suspend my career for awhile we still have to pay off the student loans that paid for said career and we came to our senses.
I’d be lying if I said this was a super easy decision, and I’d also be lying if I said I ever seriously wanted to be a stay at home mom. I didn’t. I still don’t. It’s not because I don’t love my kid(s), or because I can’t stand to spend hours with him, or because I think kids are accessories. Other than TH, J is hands-down my favorite person to spend time with. I love being with him, listening to him talk, playing kids games with him. I’ve told TH that J is my best friend, and I meant it when I said it. It’s interesting, J has two parents who work full time, yet he still has never spent the night away from us. Ever. When he’s not at daycare, he’s with us. All the time.
I chose to be a “working mom” because…I love my job/profession. It’s that simple. Sure, it has its moments like any other job, but being a veterinarian is not just what I do, it’s what I am. Everyone who knows me knows this is true. If you ask my mom, she’ll tell you that I wanted to be a vet when I was in kindergarten. Not to mention the YEARS of schooling and money it took to get to this point. When I was on maternity leave with J, I was so torn. I loved being with him all day and watching him grow, and at the same time I hated being home all day. I missed my patients. I missed the mental challenge of trying to figure out a complex medical case. I missed talking to my clients. I missed doing surgery. I missed people calling me “Dr.”. At times I couldn’t wait to get back to work. But when the time came, like most working moms, I cried. The first two weeks I tried to keep up my old 50+ hours a week schedule, and it killed me. I only saw J in the morning on the way to the sitters’, and for an hour or two before bed. I felt guilty when I left him in the morning, and guilty when he would get sick and I’d have to leave more work for the other docs so I could go pick him up early. Heck, I felt guilty when I realized that a couple of hours had gone by and I hadn’t really thought about him, and guilty when a surgery became complicated and ran too long and I realized I had forgotten to pump.
That’s when I realized that although I didn’t want to be a stay at home mom, I had to make some changes. I reduced my hours at work—a move which was not met well by my manager or coworkers—and searched until I found my current job, where I work 4 days a week and never have to be on-call or at work past 5:30pm. If I need to take J to the doctor or stay home with him, it’s not a big deal. I truly feel like we have the best of both worlds now, I get to have my career, and J spends a lot of time with both of his parents and 4 days a week goes to an awesome daycare.
This time around, however, I can feel the internal Mommy War starting up already. I’m trying to work pretty much until I go into labor, which was fairly easy for me to do with J but for some reason (hmmm could it be my 3 year old?) the fatigue is getting the best of me with this pregnancy. And unfortunately, due to finances and work schedules and necessity, I’m only able to take 8 weeks off for maternity leave. 2 months, and that’s it. I’m starting to feel daily anxiety about how short that time really is. TH is going to take some time off after I go back to work so we can try to stretch it to 12 weeks before he has to start daycare, but it may not work out that way. 8 weeks, and my little precious may be thrown in with the other kids at daycare. Why is this so much harder for me this time? I love our daycare situation and know he will be well cared for, but I’m losing sleep every night when I think about it. Why is 8 weeks old so much worse than 12 weeks? I keep telling myself that the baby won’t care either way, but that doesn’t ease my mind. I think behind it all is the realization that no matter what, this kid is not going to get the kind of attention that J got. Less time with Mommy at home, and less of Mommy’s time when I am there. And in the back of my mind, I keep going back to that stupid conversation with my stupid “friend” 3 years ago, and I guilt myself even more…
Where is the Mothering Instruction Handbook when I need it?
6 comments:
Oh goodness, this is the biggest hardest piece of the mommy guilt for me. Whenever I complain about anything (sick kids, Jon travel), I hear the "why don't you go part time" or "why don't you quit". Um, that won't stop sick kids or Jon traveling AND then I wouldn't get to do what I want to do.
The way I get over the guilt is that the women's lib movement braved the way for us to become doctors, engineers to have the CHOICE to do what we want to do. I choose to work because it makes me a better mom. I choose to send my kids to a group day care because that's the right choice for us. Pretty much everyone can suck it if they have something bad to say to me bc I know my kids are being raised in a loving environment, and I am paying people who love children to get to do what they love while I get to do what I love.
But the 8 week versus 12 week thing, hard to say whether that is bc of the time or bc the second time around you know how tiny they are and how fast that time goes. At the same time, I just spent a few days with a 3 month old baby and it takes so little to keep them entertained! They just like to look around at stuff, and I forgot how much the boys LOVED being in group care to see all the other babies and people around them all the time.
Super long comment to say, I'm here and listening and nodding bc I know where you are coming from!
I still go through this debate on a regular basis with myself and Cooper is 3! I work from home, so everyone assumes that I should be able to keep Cooper at home, but it doesn't work that way. With some travel and a demanding work schedule I stressed myself out balancing full days of work with him in half day care for a long time, but once he dropped his afternoon nap he had to go to full days at daycare because it was TOO MUCH to balance a full time job and caring for Cooper in the way he deserves. It was a good decision for us and everyone is happier because of it. But, that doesn't mean I still don't beat myself up about it anyway. You are not alone!
Going back to work is such a hard thing with an itty bitty baby in the house. I remember crying a number of times before I returned to work. It wasn't easy to do with J, and it won't be easy with the new little bean either. But, the good thing is that you've been through it once, and you know that it did get easier as time went by, and it will this time as well.
If you are concerned that the new baby won't get the same attention and such as J, then daycare is actually a positive in this case. J was in daycare as a baby, and the new baby will have the same experience. Starting a few weeks early won't be much in the grand scheme of things.
Of course, you still get to cry and worry about it. In fact, it even sounds like a good reason to have some ice cream and chocolate too.
One thing for sure--the good Lord made mothers with just enough love for each baby--no matter how much actual time is spent--doesn't have to be perfectly equal--mothers give each baby what they need...I went back to work after 10 wks with the youngest and she is none the worse for it but was home for the twins for almost 2 years--can't tell the difference... mothers do what they have to and it all works out...I was always independent and didn't want to saty at home and raising girls I always thought I was a good example that you can have both family and career--so long as whatever time you have is quality time...that's why I'd take the girlies everywhere with me--just to get in a few more minutes together even if only a ride to the bus stop :)--yep--good times--precious moments...
"Anonymous" said it right (whoever you are, wink wink) - the second one may not have the SAME attention but they will have ENOUGH attention. I love my youngest just as intensely as the oldest - there really is no shortage of love. And sometimes she needs my attention more, so she gets it, and sometimes it's the other way around, and it all just works itself out somehow. The whole stay home or go to work thing is a juggling act that probably won't end until they go off to college. I've done both - and they both have positives and negatives. As they get older, their needs and demands change, but it never really goes away. But that's why we do it, right? I will miss all the hustle and bustle when it's over...
I am on the other side of the spectrum--the stay at home mom and I have to say that I feel ENVIOUS of you b/c you love your career in ways I just didn't. I liked it, but not enough. I see it like Laura--we have the CHOICE to do what we want--whether its working or staying at home and neither choice changes how you feel about your kids--we all love our kids! No guilt to you my friend--I think you are amazing--a great mother, a great vet, a great wife, a great person and a great role model. Don't listen to anybody making judgements about your life--they are the insecure ones.
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