Monday, December 22, 2008

"You're just Mommy."

Ever since our fateful trip to the ophthalmologist a couple of months ago, J has been obsessed with going to the eye doctor. You would think with all the trauma of that episode that he would be obsessed with avoiding the eye doctor, but not my little guy. Every time he gets a boo-boo, no matter how miniscule, he holds out the wound for me to see and solemnly tells me, "I hafta go to the eye doctor. I got a boo-boo." It's only intensified since our little bout with pinkeye the week before last. TH took him to urgent care because the pediatrician couldn't fit us in, and although he saw a doctor who was definitely not a pediatrician ("How about his ears?" he asked TH. "Does he have an ear infection?" tell me, doctor.), because he looked at J's eyes it's now cemented in his mind that all sickness leads to the eye doctor.

The urgent care guy (I mean, doctor) prescribed antibiotic drops that we had to put in both eyes three times daily. Every 8 hours. Doesn't sound bad, right? Just tell him to tilt his head back, hold his lids open, and gently put 2 drops in each eye. Simple enough. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, if you could have witnessed the scene at my house when we were putting those drops in J's eyes. We laid on top of him. We bear-hugged him. We tried Laura's trick of trapping him between our legs on the floor. We tried to shoot the drops at his eyes from a couple of feet away. We--dear God, I feel guilty even writing this--put him in a headlock. Let's just say, over 2 days an entire bottle of antibiotic drops was wasted on the carpet and our clothes, and J got maybe 3 total doses before we gave up and just let the pinkeye "self-resolve." Now I understand the evil death-ray stare I get from people who I've instructed to administer eye drops to their cat 3 times a day and when they come back for the recheck a week later I lecture them about "always giving the meds as directed!" If you've ever had to medicate a cat with anything 3 times a day for more than a couple of days and you managed to give all the meds and not lose your fingers in the process...then I should probably hire you LOL.

So on the 3rd day, when I was trying to reassess J's eyes and see if he looked ok to go to daycare, he wouldn't let me look and kept telling me, "No! I hafta go to the eye doctor! And get medicine for my eyes!!" I tried to convince him that I'm qualified to look at eyes: "J, guess what? Mommy is a doctor. I can look at your eyes!" This was greeted with as skeptical a look as a 2.5 year-old can muster up. "Well, I'm an animal doctor, but still, I'm a doctor," I added lamely. "Mommy," J said, in an aren't-you-cute voice, "you not a doctor. You just Mommy. I hafta go to the eye doctor." I guess I need to work on my bedside manner.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Out of the mouths of babes...

I don't think there's anything cuter than listening to my 2.5 year old's running commentary about life. It seems like every day he's trying out new words and phrases, and I'm starting to get a glimpse at the inner workings of his little brain. There are days when J cracks me up with the funny things he says. He's a natural ham, too -- when I start laughing he tries harder and harder to say something funny. Sounds like someone I know...

Anyhoo here's a little sampling of the cute things J has said lately.

"Mommy, you not a grownup!! You a girl. I'm a grownup. Daddy's a baby."

"Lookit all the comfortable lights!!" (he learned the word comfortable yesterday and has taken to fitting it into random sentences.) "Oh I love the Christmas tree, it's so comfortable."

"Mommy! Shhh...the dirt trucks are sleeping. Be quiet." (The "dirt trucks" are outside a construction site we drive past every day. In the evenings he always points out that they're "sleeping." Too cute!)

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all-away. Oh what fun, it is to ride....inside and outside...onna reindeer..."

"Don't kiss me!! My teeth are stinky."

"Mimi not eat my food. Mimi a dog. She eats poo-poo." (sigh...gross but true.)

(Running up behind me and grabbing my butt): "Mommy you booty is SO BIG!!" (Runs away laughing hysterically. I think *someone* coached him on that one.)

(After I croaked "good morning" to him when he woke me up over the weekend) "Talk like Mommy, not like a monster."

"No water! I drink juice! WATER CHOKES ME!! IT CHOKES MY THROAT!!"

"I don't wanna wear underpants! I wear a penis."

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Haircut Day.

Every 3rd or 4th Saturday is Haircut Day. I used to cut J's hair at home, but it became a major hypertension-inducing ordeal requiring wine, Excedrin, and therapy to recover from. I've had lots of well-meaning suggestions about cutting J's hair at home, including bribery (he gets a treat every time afterwards), physically holding him down (how does that help?), cutting his hair in front of the TV (not enough distraction from the clippers buzzing near his ears), punishment (no, no, no, again I don't see how that would help), and even one childless person who actually recommended sedation (briefly considered then I came to my senses and realized he's not one of my cat patients getting groomed LOL). Of course I also have lots of people telling me to just let it grow out. Okay, people, here's the thing. J, like his parents, is a black person. When his hair grows out, it becomes a little afro. Which I have to comb out. Which, as I said before, induces blood-curdling screams that make my blood pressure go up. I'm not a fan of cornrows on little boys, so I prefer to just keep it short and avoid having to deal with it. Thankfully J is now old enough to go the barbershop with Daddy, so off they go about once a month, or when J's hair starts looking "like a werewolf" (TH's phrase), whichever comes first.

So anyway, today was Haircut Day. We tried to talk it up as soon as he was out of bed: "J, guess what? Today you get to go to the barbershop with Daddy!! And then maybe you'll get a lollipop like last time, and you and Daddy can go to the park afterwards! Won't that be FUN??" He didn't fall for it. He actually put his hands on top of his head and said, "No haircut, Mommy." And then he ran down the hall back into his room still covering his head, and slammed his door. And then kicked the door, in case we didn't get it. 30 minutes later, he was dressed and in the car, screaming the entire time "No haircut! NO HAIRCUT!! NOOOO HAIRCUUUUUUT!! MOMMY COME TOO!!" I felt terrible. But it had to be done, so off they went.

I had the entire morning to myself, which is one reason I love Haircut Day despite the emotional trauma. This morning I managed to run 4 miles, take a long luxurious shower, make a real breakfast, read my latest Entertainment Weekly and my Journal of the American Veterinary Medical Association, walk the puppy, and watch about half of the first Lord of the Rings movie before J and TH came home. And you know what? Haircut Day went well for them, too. Surprisingly, for the first time J didn't cry ONE SINGLE TIME while getting his hair cut. According to TH he actually had a great time hanging out with "the guys" at the barbershop and learning to roll dice (hmmm. No comment on that one.) After getting their haircut J and Daddy went to McDonald's for breakfast and then to the park. J was so worn out after Haircut Day that he asked for a bowl of oatmeal for lunch and has been asleep for the past hour.

I got a relaxing morning, and TH got to spend some real "boys time" with J. I'm thinking maybe Haircut Day should be every week.

Monday, December 8, 2008

As promised, just copying another blogger

Eh. That sums up my mood today. The weekend was good, we hung up Christmas lights and the tree, went to a birthday party, went to church, I went to work, blah blah blah. I won't bore you with the details. Soooo, I'm shamelessly plagiarizing Joanna's 100 List. Here goes -- items in bold are those I have actually done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars --In lots of places, including the Rocky Mountains and a beach in Panama
3. Played in a band -- high school band counts, right? I was a complete band geek.
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland -- several times. But not Disneyworld (see my Top Ten List).
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis -- a tarantula, yes. A praying mantis??? Never.
10. Sang a solo
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. - I actually used a book titled I Can Knit! And now I can.
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning -- another Panama adventure
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight - I do have two sisters, after all.
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping -- again in Panama. That was a crazy summer.
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse -- I've also seen a total eclipse of the heart, but that's another entry for another day.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied -- Right now, I'm pretty satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke - Hecks yeah!
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class -- Does Tae Bo count? No?
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating -- God, no. (shudder)
88. Had chicken pox
89. Saved someone's life -- lots of times. If by "someone" you mean an animal...
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous -- Adrien Brody brought his dog into our clinic one day. So did Leila Ali. And Vince Neil.
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit - again, another story for another day. I did win, though.
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

I need to travel more, apparently.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

As I was flipping through all of the "Black Friday" ads last week, I found that there was nothing I really wanted. At least nothing worth getting up at 4am on a 4-day weekend to stand in line and shell out money for. My husband asked me what I want for Christmas, and I couldn't come up with anything. We have everything need, and really almost everything we want. A nice house, clothes on our backs, a full pantry, paid bills, and enough love to light up a major metropolitan city. I don't know if it's the economy or what, but I just can't bring myself to buy something unless I REALLY REALLY REALLY want it. I don't see how spending more money on useless crap will help our country's situation right now.

However. That's not to say there's NOTHING that I want. I have plenty of Christmas wishes, and none of them cost a penny. So Santa, here's my Christmas list:

I want to wake up on Christmas morning to a clean house. Not just "we had a couple of days off so we threw some dishes in the washer and put our shoes away" clean, but a really clean house. Clean like if we had magical house-elves who come out every night and scrub, mop, dust, and tidy up clutter like their little lives depended on it. And I want the house to STAY CLEAN. Is that so much to ask? As a matter of fact, when it's not your busy season, don't you have a few elves you can spare?

I want my clean house to also be a pretty house. Not extravagant, but pretty. Like a cool, hip, not-too-trendy cover from a magazine that features Pottery Barn/Ikea/Pier One all rolled up into one, with a little Better Homes & Gardens thrown in. I want to look at a page in a magazine and effortlessly translate what I like into my house, as opposed to what I do now -- look at a page in a magazine, randomly try to "do-it-yourself" a feature of the picture, and end up with a hot mess courtesy of Michael's, Jo-Ann, and Wal-Mart.

I want my little dog to suddenly understand that although I love her, the incessant barking is making me go crazy and secretly wish that I wasn't ethically opposed to learning de-barking surgery.

I'd also love it if you'd magically get rid of all those clients who irrationally accuse me of "only caring about the money" AFTER I've performed miracle surgery and saved their pet's life and, you know, charged them for it. When you're done getting rid of those people, it would be awesome if you could whip up more of the clients who bring us cookies and cakes during the holidays and send me thank-you cards when I've done a good job.

Speaking of cookies, isn't there some way you can arrange it so I can be the first person in Weight Watchers history to lose 10lbs in a week? Without killing myself exercising or starving myself, that is? I mean, you eat BILLIONS of cookies every Christmas and though you're a little portly, it really doesn't show. So I know there's some magic secret involving fairy dust or whatever, and I want in.

Lastly, I'd like to sleep past 7am on a day off. Ever. Seriously. One time would do it. More than one time would be AWESOME. Maybe when you stop by our house on Christmas morning, you can occupy J for awhile playing Hot Wheels on his streets and roads rug and watch Wow Wow Wubbzy a few thousand times with him while I snooze away in the next room. You've got time. I think we're all aware that you're able to manipulate the space-time continuum.

I know these requests might sound strange, but I don't think they're any weirder than, say, asking for a pony when you live in an apartment in the city or begging for your male dog to have puppies "just so we can play with them." If you can manage even ONE of these small wishes, I'll definitely believe in you forever, Santa!



p.s. Oh yeah I forgot -- could you also bring world peace, a cure for AIDS, and the end to childhood hunger? Those would be cool, too.