Monday, December 1, 2008

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

As I was flipping through all of the "Black Friday" ads last week, I found that there was nothing I really wanted. At least nothing worth getting up at 4am on a 4-day weekend to stand in line and shell out money for. My husband asked me what I want for Christmas, and I couldn't come up with anything. We have everything need, and really almost everything we want. A nice house, clothes on our backs, a full pantry, paid bills, and enough love to light up a major metropolitan city. I don't know if it's the economy or what, but I just can't bring myself to buy something unless I REALLY REALLY REALLY want it. I don't see how spending more money on useless crap will help our country's situation right now.

However. That's not to say there's NOTHING that I want. I have plenty of Christmas wishes, and none of them cost a penny. So Santa, here's my Christmas list:

I want to wake up on Christmas morning to a clean house. Not just "we had a couple of days off so we threw some dishes in the washer and put our shoes away" clean, but a really clean house. Clean like if we had magical house-elves who come out every night and scrub, mop, dust, and tidy up clutter like their little lives depended on it. And I want the house to STAY CLEAN. Is that so much to ask? As a matter of fact, when it's not your busy season, don't you have a few elves you can spare?

I want my clean house to also be a pretty house. Not extravagant, but pretty. Like a cool, hip, not-too-trendy cover from a magazine that features Pottery Barn/Ikea/Pier One all rolled up into one, with a little Better Homes & Gardens thrown in. I want to look at a page in a magazine and effortlessly translate what I like into my house, as opposed to what I do now -- look at a page in a magazine, randomly try to "do-it-yourself" a feature of the picture, and end up with a hot mess courtesy of Michael's, Jo-Ann, and Wal-Mart.

I want my little dog to suddenly understand that although I love her, the incessant barking is making me go crazy and secretly wish that I wasn't ethically opposed to learning de-barking surgery.

I'd also love it if you'd magically get rid of all those clients who irrationally accuse me of "only caring about the money" AFTER I've performed miracle surgery and saved their pet's life and, you know, charged them for it. When you're done getting rid of those people, it would be awesome if you could whip up more of the clients who bring us cookies and cakes during the holidays and send me thank-you cards when I've done a good job.

Speaking of cookies, isn't there some way you can arrange it so I can be the first person in Weight Watchers history to lose 10lbs in a week? Without killing myself exercising or starving myself, that is? I mean, you eat BILLIONS of cookies every Christmas and though you're a little portly, it really doesn't show. So I know there's some magic secret involving fairy dust or whatever, and I want in.

Lastly, I'd like to sleep past 7am on a day off. Ever. Seriously. One time would do it. More than one time would be AWESOME. Maybe when you stop by our house on Christmas morning, you can occupy J for awhile playing Hot Wheels on his streets and roads rug and watch Wow Wow Wubbzy a few thousand times with him while I snooze away in the next room. You've got time. I think we're all aware that you're able to manipulate the space-time continuum.

I know these requests might sound strange, but I don't think they're any weirder than, say, asking for a pony when you live in an apartment in the city or begging for your male dog to have puppies "just so we can play with them." If you can manage even ONE of these small wishes, I'll definitely believe in you forever, Santa!

Sincerely,

Desi

p.s. Oh yeah I forgot -- could you also bring world peace, a cure for AIDS, and the end to childhood hunger? Those would be cool, too.

7 comments:

LauraC said...

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting any stuff. It just doesn't seem as important to me after having kids (not that it was ever that important, but even less important now). Although I did ask Jon for Guitar Hero for Christmas bc we really need to do something other than watch TV together after the kids go to bed.

I've given up on my house staying clean.

Maria said...

I think that sound like a great list, and definitely not too much to ask...
I have begged Will not to buy me anything for Christmas, we do not need anymore stuff. We'll see if he is a good listener.
My mom has a dog who was a crazy barker...a battery powered squirt gun has worked wonders!

Joanna said...

Great post. It's just so true.

I should point out that one of the things you asked for can be bought with money. You could hire a house keeping service. Of course, I can't bring myself to do that, but I do sometimes dream about it.

Julie said...

Why is it that a clean house is all we mommys want? Its at the top of my list too. I spend all of my spare time cleaning and 10 min later its all for nothing.

And I am with you on the decorating thing too. I feel like my whole house is one small step up from college dorm. I just don't have the eye for decorating.

Deanna said...

How cool! I found your blog several months ago while blog hopping and loved it but forgot to book mark it before hitting the big X up there in the corner when my boss walked in. (Dang it!) But Joanna has a link to you on today's post.

Anyway, I've gotten some good giggles from your posts. And if Santa forks over the house cleaning elves, let us all know, cause we'll all be writing in to the big man next Christmas!

Denise said...

I loved your post....and I agree with everything you wrote. But now I feel cheesy because I wrote a Dear Santa letter today and asked for a bunch of stuff....your list makes my list look bad...*sniffle*

Heidi O said...

Where is your vet clinic? If it is anywhere in my neighborhood, we could start brining our golden getting older mutt lab. And then I can bring you cookies and thank you notes. Well I would probably have the kids write the thank you notes.