Monday, July 27, 2009
The past year, as with every year before it, has had its share of highs and lows. I find myself thinking about our wedding vows more and more, as we become grown-ups together and they're put to the test. For richer or poorer...haha has that ever been tested in our marriage. We started out broke. And I mean BROKE. I was in vet school, working 2 jobs on the weekend which maybe covered my textbooks. TH was a counselor at a halfway house of sorts, and had a crazy schedule that involved him being away at night 4 days out of the week. We lived in a "restricted income" apartment, which means you had to be, well, broke to qualify to live there. And here we are now, homeowners who've upgraded from a card table in the dining room to real furniture and 2 cars in the garage. Amazing.
In sickness and in health...this one's the kicker. 3 years ago we found out that TH has a chronic disease that we'll be dealing with for the rest of our lives. There have been some truly scary moments, where I lay in bed wondering if things were going to be cut short right when life was getting fun. I never thought that before we were 30 we'd have to think about what would happen if one of us ends up disabled before 40. For some couples, I guess, this kind of diagnosis could lead to problems, but for us it's only made us stronger. I wake up every morning and I know how blessed I am that TH is still here and he's doing well. And I know in my heart that when he's not doing well (which has happened), I'm not going anywhere. He's the one.
I could say so much more about what my marriage means to me and how lucky I am to have TH, but I'll just refer back to our wedding song, which still moves me when I hear it even though it was recorded 30 years before I was born.
Our Love is Here to Stay (as sung by Ella Fitzgerald)
It's very clear, our love is here to stay.
Not for a year, but ever and a day.
The radio and the telephone and the movies that we know,
May just be passing fancies, and in time may go...
But oh, my dear, our love is here to stay.
Together we're going a long, long way.
In time, the Rockies may tumble, Gibraltar may crumble -
they're only made of clay.
But, our love is here to stay.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I'm worried that I won't love the new baby as much as I love J. There. I said it out loud. It actually sounds kind of stupid now that I’ve said it, right? Moms have been having more than one kid for millions of years, and everyone tells me that I have nothing to worry about, that I’ll feel “just the same” about the new baby, that “my heart will grow” etc etc. And yet, I still can’t help worrying that I won’t like or love this one as much as J, simply because J is such a great kid.
For the first two years after J was born, we weren’t even sure if we wanted another kid. He was such an easy baby (for the most part, anyway), always happy and smiling. He’s always been super-affectionate, giving out hugs and kisses and “I love you, Mommy” whenever the mood strikes him. He’s turned out to be very smart – sometimes a bit too smart for his own good – and has a great sense of humor. He loves to dance and sing and paint and draw like his mother, and to play with cars and trucks and footballs and boxing gloves like his father. He says his prayers and grace before meals without being asked, and he likes going to church. Sure, he also whines a lot, and has a tendency to start screaming like a victim in a horror movie when he’s really wound up, and he takes his shoes off and throws them when he’s in time-out, and he’s a picky eater…but essentially he’s the perfect kid. Not that he’s perfect, but he’s the perfect kid for us. Aren't we pushing our luck a little bit here, hoping for lightning to strike twice and we'll get another perfect kid?
It’s not that I’m not excited to meet the new little guy, I’m getting to that point where my thoughts are consumed with his impending birth. It’s just so hard for me to imagine feeling the same way about ANYONE that I feel about J. Like all parents, before J was born, I really did not fathom what maternal love is like, how overpowering it is, how it’s so strong sometimes that it’s actually scary. How can I feel that way about another person? How is it possible?
Like I said, it’s stupid, really. It’s just another one of those things that I can’t really wrap my mind around until it happens, like feeling J kick for the first time 3 ½ years ago or sitting up with him in the middle of the night when he was 6 weeks old, crying because I realized that one day we wouldn’t be together. I’m sure I’ll laugh at myself in a few months for even writing this.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
**Potty Training Update**
After a spectacular start, a headlong jump out of the gate, J's potty training is....meh. He's wearing underwear everyday, and for the most part managing to be accident-free. At night, however, he definitely still needs a Pull-Up, and when it comes to #2, it's an uphill battle to say the least. He's still got some kind of fear of pooping on the potty, so he holds it. And holds it. And holds it. For days at a time, until he either has a massive accident (usually during naptime) or has a freak-out on the potty yelling about not being able to do it and "LEAVE ME LONE! I'M GOING POO-POO!!" and crying and groaning and then maybe 20 minutes later we hear him exclaim to himself, "Hey, I just went poo-poo on the potty!" as if he's totally surprised that it happened. Methinks this will take awhile.
Over the last few weeks J has entered a new "I want Daddy" phase that we're all enjoying. He and TH have always been close because TH is a very hands-on and involved dad, but like most 3-year-olds J has been Mom-centric for most of his life. Maybe it's my growing belly and tiredness, maybe it's him finally realizing that Mommy may be a tomboy of sorts but she's still a girl (he points this out to me all the time now), maybe it's the extra hours I worked over the last few months enabling J and TH to spend more time together. Either way, now he watches TH's every move, and tries to emulate him. He pretends to shave in the morning, and brushes his hair "the way Daddy does it" and even asks TH to spray cologne on him after he gets dressed. TH was putting together some shelves in the garage, and J ran to get his plastic tools telling me as he ran by, "Me and Daddy are building something together!" Yesterday he even hung out in the stifling hot garage "working out" with TH, with Daddy showing him how to do push-ups and holding him up to the chin-up bar. Very cute. Both TH and I grew up with fairly absent fathers, so I feel very blessed that J has a dad like TH.
We finally got around to doing some baby stuff. "Some baby stuff" being painting the nursery and hanging up window treatments. Uh....that's it. I've come to realize that because of past losses, I have a little bit of residual paranoia about buying things like baby clothes and diapers. I keep wanting to, but when I'm in the baby section at the store I get this overwhelming feeling that it's still too early, that something bad might still happen. I've even had the strange thought when I wake up in the morning that this baby is just a dream I was having, despite the fact that I can feel him kicking every day and have had 5 ultrasounds now where it's clearly evident that he's real. It's hard to explain, and I don't think I'm going to get over these feelings until he's born.
At the end of this month TH and I will have our 7th wedding anniversary. That blows my mind. It feels like 7 minutes ago! I wish I could freeze this period in our life, make it slow down a little.
It all goes by so fast...