Monday, January 11, 2010

The one where the 3 month old broke my heart.

Why is motherhood so difficult sometimes, the things that should be easy are always a struggle? Well not always, but sometimes it seems that way. For the past couple of days, Jr. has been on a "nursing strike." He doesn't want the boob. It feels like he doesn't want me. Our breastfeeding relationship has been excellent from day one, so different than the beginning of bf'ing with J. My first 6 weeks nursing J were kind of hellish - cracked, bleeding nipples, mastitis, ridiculously huge breasts bigger than the whole baby (did you know there's such thing as a G cup? Trust me, it's real. And it's spectacular.) It felt like I was serving a sentence instead of doing something wonderful. And then, when we reached 6 weeks, suddenly it was easier and we were both enjoying it and it wasn't painful and the baby was growing and healthy and I could see what everyone raves about. When I went back to work at 10 weeks I had some issues pumping enough every day but somehow we made it to almost a year before weaning. It was a great year.

I *thought* it was going to be the same with Jr. Only without the hellish first month. And it was, until last week. Jr. latched on to my breast 10 minutes after being born and never looked back (yes, I have a picture, no, that picture will never show up on this blog.) No cracked nipples, no issues latching on, the boobs are still huge but at least this time I was prepared for it and still had my $60 ordered-online G cup nursing bras. It's been fairly blissful, the baby acts hungry, I pop a boob in his mouth, everyone's happy. I went back to work six weeks ago and even that didn't cause any problems. This time around I bought a better breast pump and haven't had any problems collecting enough milk for daycare bottles. I was just bragging--JINX ALERT! When will I learn--to coworkers that Jr. has never had a drop of anything but breastmilk in his young life and how proud I was of that fact.

So what happened? I'm not sure. Honestly I think he's learned that bottles are the best thing since sliced bread - the same amount of milk with 1/3 the work! I noticed last week that in the evenings he was being weird about nursing when I came home from work, and figured he just wasn't hungry. He's still waking up three times a night to nurse, and thankfully (I guess) that hasn't stopped. But yesterday we hit a wall with the daytime nursing. Suddenly, every time I offered the breast he actually turned his head away and clamped his mouth shut, even crying. No matter what position we're in, he's having none of it. I've managed to nurse him a few times...while he's sleeping. That's the only way he'll accept the breast. When he's awake he acts like I'm torturing him when I try to nurse. It's breaking my heart a little...or alot. Last night he was screaming and crying at bedtime when I tried to nurse, usually a relaxed time of day. Finally I gave in and had TH give him a bottle, which he promptly sucked down in one minute flat. I started crying. Kind of hysterically. How could he prefer a bottle to me? J NEVER wanted the bottle when I was available. Never. Why was he doing this to me? My little secret lover, betraying me for a piece of plastic.

This morning I called the lactation consultant as soon as the office was open, and her only advice was "keep trying, but don't force it." She gave me some words of hope that this is very common in 3-4 month olds, and usually (knock on wood) it only lasts a few days. Today we managed to nurse enough times (all during or right after sleep) that I haven't had to pump, but I know that's next if he keeps this up. I'm not sure if I'm keen on the idea of pumping during the day when I'm home with the boys. It seems like it totally defeats the purpose of breastfeeding, i.e. not having to deal with bottles and pumping on your days off. But I hate to introduce formula to the mix just yet, so we'll see if it comes to that. Luckily I only work every other week (part of the problem, I think, my new schedule is kind of disruptive for both kids), so I'll have several days to hole up with Jr. and push my boob in his face every hour until he "gets it" again. Until then, I'm so sad. Breastfeeding is one of those things I never expected to be so important to me, but it is. It's the ONE THING I can give my kids that the daycare lady can't. It's also my private time with them, even in the middle of the night, and I cherish it, especially on days when I work. I'm just hoping, and praying, that Jr. will leave Dr. Brown and come back to me, soon....

8 comments:

Stacey said...

This IS heartbreaking. I had only one day of this when my youngest was about 4 months old and it was rough. I hope things improve soon!

JenFen said...

Hang in there. I completely understand how you feel and it is common at this age to go on a nursing strike and they usually do come back around. Jadyn would never take a bottle without a fight and she STILL had a couple of days like this around the same time so hopefully like the LC said, it is a phase and it will pass. Hang in there : )

Anonymous said...

Make sure you're not using soap on your breasts or wearing perfume. It could be the smell or taste of something that he's refusing when it comes to nursing that he doesn't have with the bottle. It sounds like you already are, but try to nurse in a dark room where it's quiet so he's not tempted to want to look around. My dd went through a face around that time where she'd pull off at every little noise so she could turn her head and see. Good luck!

Maria said...

Oh, that is so hard. Hopefully he will come to his senses and leave Dr. Brown. Try (impossible) not to take it personally, we all try to take the path of least resistance, maybe he is just ahead on the smartness curve? Hugs.

Joanna said...

Ouch. That would smart. Hopefully this is just a short term strike. What size nipple are you using on the bottle? if it's not the slowest flow, maybe you could try downsizing so Jr. has to work a little harder.

As for pumping at home, I don't think I could do that for long. I pumped at work until 11 months, and that was hard enough, but doing it at home would have been way too much.

Heidi O said...

I wrote on bbc but I understand the heart break. It hurt so bad when Harry wouldn't eat all day long on the 24th. And I do remember going through this with Max as well. I am here here so if you do need an ear that has her boob in the same game at the moment. (ok that sounds so wrong but you understand right?)

Steph said...

I hope things turn around for you and Jr. I had something similar happen, but earlier on. This was one of the hardest things for me when Cooper was an infant. I really felt like I spent the first two weeks of his life crying in the lactation consultant's office because it just was not working for us. I even rented a hospital grade pump and was determined to pump all the time to feed him with a bottle but with breast milk. We finally called a truce and Cooper switched to formula, but not without a huge struggle. I remember feeling terrible about the whole situation, tons of mommy guilt. This time around I am going to try again, but I have resolved that if things don't work out that I won't beat myself up about it.

Mel said...

I hope he will come off the strike soon. I do understand how you feel. Hang in there.