Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

As I was flipping through all of the "Black Friday" ads last week, I found that there was nothing I really wanted. At least nothing worth getting up at 4am on a 4-day weekend to stand in line and shell out money for. My husband asked me what I want for Christmas, and I couldn't come up with anything. We have everything need, and really almost everything we want. A nice house, clothes on our backs, a full pantry, paid bills, and enough love to light up a major metropolitan city. I don't know if it's the economy or what, but I just can't bring myself to buy something unless I REALLY REALLY REALLY want it. I don't see how spending more money on useless crap will help our country's situation right now.

However. That's not to say there's NOTHING that I want. I have plenty of Christmas wishes, and none of them cost a penny. So Santa, here's my Christmas list:

I want to wake up on Christmas morning to a clean house. Not just "we had a couple of days off so we threw some dishes in the washer and put our shoes away" clean, but a really clean house. Clean like if we had magical house-elves who come out every night and scrub, mop, dust, and tidy up clutter like their little lives depended on it. And I want the house to STAY CLEAN. Is that so much to ask? As a matter of fact, when it's not your busy season, don't you have a few elves you can spare?

I want my clean house to also be a pretty house. Not extravagant, but pretty. Like a cool, hip, not-too-trendy cover from a magazine that features Pottery Barn/Ikea/Pier One all rolled up into one, with a little Better Homes & Gardens thrown in. I want to look at a page in a magazine and effortlessly translate what I like into my house, as opposed to what I do now -- look at a page in a magazine, randomly try to "do-it-yourself" a feature of the picture, and end up with a hot mess courtesy of Michael's, Jo-Ann, and Wal-Mart.

I want my little dog to suddenly understand that although I love her, the incessant barking is making me go crazy and secretly wish that I wasn't ethically opposed to learning de-barking surgery.

I'd also love it if you'd magically get rid of all those clients who irrationally accuse me of "only caring about the money" AFTER I've performed miracle surgery and saved their pet's life and, you know, charged them for it. When you're done getting rid of those people, it would be awesome if you could whip up more of the clients who bring us cookies and cakes during the holidays and send me thank-you cards when I've done a good job.

Speaking of cookies, isn't there some way you can arrange it so I can be the first person in Weight Watchers history to lose 10lbs in a week? Without killing myself exercising or starving myself, that is? I mean, you eat BILLIONS of cookies every Christmas and though you're a little portly, it really doesn't show. So I know there's some magic secret involving fairy dust or whatever, and I want in.

Lastly, I'd like to sleep past 7am on a day off. Ever. Seriously. One time would do it. More than one time would be AWESOME. Maybe when you stop by our house on Christmas morning, you can occupy J for awhile playing Hot Wheels on his streets and roads rug and watch Wow Wow Wubbzy a few thousand times with him while I snooze away in the next room. You've got time. I think we're all aware that you're able to manipulate the space-time continuum.

I know these requests might sound strange, but I don't think they're any weirder than, say, asking for a pony when you live in an apartment in the city or begging for your male dog to have puppies "just so we can play with them." If you can manage even ONE of these small wishes, I'll definitely believe in you forever, Santa!

Sincerely,

Desi

p.s. Oh yeah I forgot -- could you also bring world peace, a cure for AIDS, and the end to childhood hunger? Those would be cool, too.