I'm worried that I won't love the new baby as much as I love J. There. I said it out loud. It actually sounds kind of stupid now that I’ve said it, right? Moms have been having more than one kid for millions of years, and everyone tells me that I have nothing to worry about, that I’ll feel “just the same” about the new baby, that “my heart will grow” etc etc. And yet, I still can’t help worrying that I won’t like or love this one as much as J, simply because J is such a great kid.
For the first two years after J was born, we weren’t even sure if we wanted another kid. He was such an easy baby (for the most part, anyway), always happy and smiling. He’s always been super-affectionate, giving out hugs and kisses and “I love you, Mommy” whenever the mood strikes him. He’s turned out to be very smart – sometimes a bit too smart for his own good – and has a great sense of humor. He loves to dance and sing and paint and draw like his mother, and to play with cars and trucks and footballs and boxing gloves like his father. He says his prayers and grace before meals without being asked, and he likes going to church. Sure, he also whines a lot, and has a tendency to start screaming like a victim in a horror movie when he’s really wound up, and he takes his shoes off and throws them when he’s in time-out, and he’s a picky eater…but essentially he’s the perfect kid. Not that he’s perfect, but he’s the perfect kid for us. Aren't we pushing our luck a little bit here, hoping for lightning to strike twice and we'll get another perfect kid?
It’s not that I’m not excited to meet the new little guy, I’m getting to that point where my thoughts are consumed with his impending birth. It’s just so hard for me to imagine feeling the same way about ANYONE that I feel about J. Like all parents, before J was born, I really did not fathom what maternal love is like, how overpowering it is, how it’s so strong sometimes that it’s actually scary. How can I feel that way about another person? How is it possible?
Like I said, it’s stupid, really. It’s just another one of those things that I can’t really wrap my mind around until it happens, like feeling J kick for the first time 3 ½ years ago or sitting up with him in the middle of the night when he was 6 weeks old, crying because I realized that one day we wouldn’t be together. I’m sure I’ll laugh at myself in a few months for even writing this.