Monday, July 20, 2009

The biggest mom confession so far...

I'm worried that I won't love the new baby as much as I love J. There. I said it out loud. It actually sounds kind of stupid now that I’ve said it, right? Moms have been having more than one kid for millions of years, and everyone tells me that I have nothing to worry about, that I’ll feel “just the same” about the new baby, that “my heart will grow” etc etc. And yet, I still can’t help worrying that I won’t like or love this one as much as J, simply because J is such a great kid.

For the first two years after J was born, we weren’t even sure if we wanted another kid. He was such an easy baby (for the most part, anyway), always happy and smiling. He’s always been super-affectionate, giving out hugs and kisses and “I love you, Mommy” whenever the mood strikes him. He’s turned out to be very smart – sometimes a bit too smart for his own good – and has a great sense of humor. He loves to dance and sing and paint and draw like his mother, and to play with cars and trucks and footballs and boxing gloves like his father. He says his prayers and grace before meals without being asked, and he likes going to church. Sure, he also whines a lot, and has a tendency to start screaming like a victim in a horror movie when he’s really wound up, and he takes his shoes off and throws them when he’s in time-out, and he’s a picky eater…but essentially he’s the perfect kid. Not that he’s perfect, but he’s the perfect kid for us. Aren't we pushing our luck a little bit here, hoping for lightning to strike twice and we'll get another perfect kid?

It’s not that I’m not excited to meet the new little guy, I’m getting to that point where my thoughts are consumed with his impending birth. It’s just so hard for me to imagine feeling the same way about ANYONE that I feel about J. Like all parents, before J was born, I really did not fathom what maternal love is like, how overpowering it is, how it’s so strong sometimes that it’s actually scary. How can I feel that way about another person? How is it possible?

Like I said, it’s stupid, really. It’s just another one of those things that I can’t really wrap my mind around until it happens, like feeling J kick for the first time 3 ½ years ago or sitting up with him in the middle of the night when he was 6 weeks old, crying because I realized that one day we wouldn’t be together. I’m sure I’ll laugh at myself in a few months for even writing this.

5 comments:

LauraC said...

I didn't love Nate as much as I loved Alex when they were born. There I said it!! Nate was such a fussy baby and Alex was such an easy baby that it was easy to be angry and not bond the same right away. All it took was someone calling him fussy for me to go all apeshit and say THAT's MY BABY!

But now, I definitely do not love Nate and Alex the SAME but I do not have a favorite. I love them for who they are and what they bring into my life and how they make me feel. I love them differently but I do not love either of them more.

Joanna said...

Beautiful post. I think this is one of the best confessions ever.

Oh, here is how my dad handle this. My brother is my dad's favorite son, my sister is my dad's favorite oldest daughter, and I'm his favorite youngest daughter. It's a joke, yet it's true.

Julie said...

Great post! As an only child myself, I don't get it--the whole parents loving all the children the same amount, but in different ways. So I have thought about this a lot too. I just cannot even wrap my head around this baby--what she will be like, how I will love her. Sometimes I see a newborn out in public and it kind of freaks me out!

LOL Laura! I too went apeshit when someone, I mean everyone called Lana fussy.

I can relate though to feeling like you won the lottery with the first kid and you don't want to push your luck. I also feel like things are pretty perfect right now, what are we doing going and mucking them all up?

Stacey said...

I felt the exact same way before my second was born. In fact, I just wrote about it in my blog the other day. Don't worry too much because it'll be great.

deebo47 said...

I had the same thoughts when I was pregnant with Cam, but those fears went away as soon as she was born. After a little time had passed and we adjusted to the idea of having two kids, it got to be almost hard to remember what it was like when we only had one. Now it seems like I'm looking at a different family when I look at photos of us before she was born. I can truly say I love them both - and not necessarily in the same ways. They are unique individuals, and there are things I love about both of them and things that annoy me about both of them, and I have learned to approach each one a little differently to match their personalities. My life just wouldn't be complete without either one of them. You'll feel the same way, even if it takes a little while to get used to the change in the family unit. Just wait and see...