Sunday, November 7, 2010

Tunnel Vision


When we were kids growing up in Colorado, at least once a year we'd have reason to drive through the Eisenhower Tunnel, which passes under the Continental Divide in the Rocky Mountains. It's the longest mountain tunnel in the world (if I can remember correctly), around 1.75 miles long. If you've ever had cause to drive to/from Denver to one of the major ski resorts, you've likely driven through it. Something about going through the Eisenhower Tunnel was and is always exciting for me. The entrance to it doesn't look like much, and the tunnel itself is pretty boring, but as kids we always looked forward to driving through it, maybe because it literally feels like the entrance to the "real" mountains - often it would be clear and dry on one side, and when we'd come through the other side less than 10 minutes later it would be blizzard-like snow conditions. One game that we played every time we drove through the tunnel was to see who could hold their breath through the whole thing. I'm not sure if anyone ever won or was really able to do it, or how long it even takes to drive the tunnel. I do remember, however, that there was always a point in the game where you started to see light around the bend, where you knew that the end was somewhere down there, but because you couldn't actually see the exit and didn't really know how far away it was, you started to question if you were going to be able to make it this time. Was the end of the tunnel just around the corner, or another mile away? Would you pass out trying to make it, or be the winner?

That's how I feel in my life right now. You guys, I'm struggling. That's the only way I can put it. I don't want to bore everyone with my daily angst, so my posts of late have been what I call "blog lite" or "cheater" posts - heavy on pictures and captions, lite on any real content. It's not that there's any one giant horrific thing that's happened, it's more a cumulative effect of alot of big and small sucky things that once they're added up are starting to drag me down. I really, really want this to be the Best Year Ever...but it's not even close. It's actually turning out to be one of the Worst Years Ever. Yes, we continue to be blessed with health and beautiful children and a roof over our heads and food to eat. I know it could be worse, okay? But mentally and emotionally, I'm feeling kind of spent. Important people have passed away. Other important people have been hospitalized and sick. People around us have been getting divorced left and right. The economy is killing our community and what was a trickle-down effect on TH and I has begun to directly affect us. My career is in a complete shambles right now, to the point where I've been questioning whether I even want to stay in this profession that I spent 10 years of school and over $100,000 training for. But worst of all, I've been feeling...disappointed in people. I don't know if my expectations are too high, but they seem reasonable to me. Honesty. Integrity. Compassion. Caring. Unselfishness. Am I asking for too much? So many people that I expected more from are falling short, and it's starting to change my entire view of what the world is really like, which bothers me.

The family is still together and going strong, which is really the only thing that matters in the end. TH and I are people of faith and we truly believe that this is all happening for a reason. But right now, we're squarely in the tunnel. We can't see the entrance anymore, and we're holding our breath, hoping we can make it. We can see the light starting to seep in around the edges, and we know that we'll be coming out on the other side soon, but we don't know exactly how far it is, if it's just around the bend or another mile away. Will the weather be the same, or will it be a blizzard with zero visibility? I wish I could tell you. All I know is, we are definitely in the real mountains...

5 comments:

LauraC said...

Desi I am so sorry this is shaping up to be such a terrible year. I think the only thing that brings me comfort during those times is knowing that it will pass. Unfortunately there is no way to make it pass more quickly or with less stress. And that is so much stuff to happen at once.

As I get older, I feel less and less disappointed in people because sometimes I can't be there for people the way they need me to be. Or sometimes they are looking at the situation differently than I am.

Here's hoping 2011 brings much joy and an end to all this insanity!

Beth said...

Well, if the vet thing falls through, you're an excellent writer! (Small consolation, right?) Anyway, I wish I could say something really inspiring and meaningful, but the only thing I can think of is from Finding Nemo: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming . . ." Better times will come, and the struggle will make you stronger. You have your faith and your family, like you said, and you have lots of cyber love and support from your May '06 peeps. Hugs!

Joanna said...

What a beautifully written post. You capture the feeling so well. I just wish that you didn't have to feel this way right now. There are just so many trying things going on in our lives right now, and the recession isn't helping things.

{{{HUGS}}} I wish I had more to offer than that, but I guess we all just have to make it through the tough times and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Lindsay said...

Wow - beautiful post. Sad, but...

I can't help but think that's easier to make big changes when the status quo is at rock bottom. Perhaps this frees you up for a return to CO?

So sorry about the disappointing people in your life. I am rocked by this realization a couple of times a year, too, and it's always a shock.

*hugs*

claudia said...

I know that you miss Denver and the people there who you love. There are a lot of people in America today who are feeling just like you are. It certainly hasn't been the best year ever for many many of us. Here is hoping that things improve soon so that we are able to have the flexibility that we need to change some of the things in our personal lives.