Monday, December 17, 2007

Ultimate Fighting Champion

I had a client a few weeks ago who brought in a cat for a nail trim. That's it. Just the nail trim. When I asked her why she brought this seemingly sweet little cat across town just for us to cut his nails, she replied, "Just wait til you see what happens when you get him back there. He's an Ultimate Fighting Champion." I thought this was hilarious (and it turned out to be true - that cat sent two of my techs to Urgent Care before the day was through).

However, as of this morning, J is the new UFC of Las Vegas. Here's the play-by-play from this morning:

Round 1: J wakes up cranky wanting a cup of milk, stat. (For non-medical people, that means ASAP!!). He starts crying when TH turns the TV from Jojo's Circus to ESPN (oh, the horror). TH manages to wrestle a new diaper and clothes onto him without getting any of the copious snot the tantrum is producing on J's clothes.
Winner: TH by one point.

Round 2: J starts clinging to my legs while I'm putting on makeup wanting "up," and I manage to get ready one-handed with him on my hip the whole time. It looks like I'm winning, but wait! J comes out of the corner with the flailing legs, kicks me in the stomach (I think on accident), falls to the ground and pulls everything on the counter down with him! He finishes with a stunning come-from-behind move that results in me dropping my loaded toothbrush on the floor in a pile of cat hair.
Winner: J

Round 3: Now it's getting good, people. Everything seems calm - J is in his booster seat happily eating oatmeal and singing "yummy, YUMMY, yummy, YUMMY." So far I'm on time to get out of the house and to daycare/work. How will it end? I go to clean J up and put his shirt back on (no shirt for oatmeal), and that's when all hell breaks loose. J comes at me with some kind of toddler evasive maneuver that looks suspiciously like a left hook and succeeds in not getting his arms in the shirt. I let him out of the booster seat and he slides to the floor screaming "noooo!!" with the shirt around his neck, then he lets loose a barrage of kickboxing moves - a left, a right, then a combo followed by a roundhouse!! This is amazing folks!! The kid is wearing Mommy down, she's staggering...AND SHE'S DOWN!!! J WINS THE MATCH!! MOMMY IS NOW 10 MINUTES LATE WITH NO HOPE OF MAKING IT TO WORK ON TIME!! AND SHE HASN'T HAD TIME FOR BREAKFAST OR COFFEE!! THIS...KID...IS...AMAZING!! And the crowd of 1-year-olds goes wild.

Sigh...I'll take a fractious crazy Satanic cat over a toddler in full-on meltdown any day.


deebo47 said...

LOL - this is so funny. For once I don't miss this age at all. When kids are about 18 months old they're so cute and adorable, but they also have those monster tantrums that I wouldn't want to go near with a ten foot pole. I remember once when Xavier was 2 and Cam was 2 months, and it was time for both his nap and her feeding. I have a vivid memory of me going up the stairs with the baby in one arm, trying to pull Xavier off my legs where he had wrapped himself, crying and kicking. We made it to the top of the steps (just barely) without falling, and I had to put the baby in her crib screaming while I put Xavier down for his nap. And of course by the time he fell asleep, the baby was beside herself with hunger. Twenty minutes later, when she fell asleep nursing, in came Xavier, announcing, "I'm done with nap!" It was a memorable day, and not in a good way. I guess the only positive is that you only have one to deal with (for now)...

LauraC said...

Does this make you have new appreciation for your mom as a twin parent?! (and for me, hee hee)

Seriously though, on the days Jon travels, I proactively turn on Sesame Street before I start changing clothes. I try to stop the battles before they start.

b.rob said...

sometimes you make me wanna have kids...and sometimes not so much. this blog - not so much, it does sound funny though!

i think we should write a book. one short story a piece (3 total)...whaddya think? eh? debo? fun right? have your people call my people.

for real.

Sarah (Mama2Elli-Bean) said...

Oh my lordy, amen to your last sentence! It's sad how much "vet" work actually transfers into mommy-hood (i.e. proper holding technique on a cat works quite well when blood is needing to be drawn on your toddler!). Oh, the sad irony! :P